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I just wanted a way to escape what the Poors had to deal with!

I am a billionaire who built a compound to survive the apocalypse, and sometimes I regret it.

My billions came from making algorithms to determine when people were getting slightly less productive at work so their bosses could immediately fire them. This made it easy for me to figure out when society was just about to collapse into chaos.

When I saw news about viral outbreaks, climate disasters, everybody getting laid off because they were too sick and hungry to work, and other billionaires making compounds, I knew it was time for me to make my own.

My compound is hundreds of miles away from civilization. It’s self-powered, has its own water treatment plant, and also a roller coaster — so I can escape the apocalypse in the style I’ve grown accustomed to. …


Like having your very own sommelier for the holidays

What plans do you have for this winter holiday season? Sledding? Caroling? Sure, sounds great if you like being outside.

In the weather.

Come on, now! Sloshing around with your mouth wide open is going to lead you nowhere but inside, cold and thirsty — and still, with so much to do. Here’s a guide for pairing up some traditional holiday activities with libations that will get you in the spirit.*

A wrapped box in gold paper, with a lit tree in the background.
A wrapped box in gold paper, with a lit tree in the background.

Wrapping Presents — Do you think Candy Spelling had a wine fridge in her gift-wrapping room in that mansion? I think so. In fact, I bet Candy demanded to be served a sweet wine whilst sitting on her present-wrapping chaise lounge, because nothing says, “I can’t do this, you wrap it for me,” like the horrendous buzz you get from a cold glass of Sauternes. …


If someone interrupts you, stand up and cup your hands over your eyes. When they have finished, say, “I’ve never surrendered my thoughts to a more capable medium before. That was amazing. Namaste.”

If someone interrupts you, look inside their soul. Tell everyone what darkest fears this offending person holds in his heart. “Michael is afraid to die alone.” Brush your hair through your fingers, and continue where you left off.

If you’re interrupted, immediately fall to the ground and lose consciousness. Do this repeatedly.

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When interrupted, crawl under the table. Lie down on your back, place your feet against the underside of the table and lift the table off the floor just a few centimeters. Place it down again, gently. …


If Ina Garten were your best friend, you’d drink white wine inside the house, red wine outside, but only when Jeffrey was around. When he isn’t home, which is always, she’d offer you a big snifter of whiskey and you’d sit on top of her amazingly huge countertop while you drank, eating brownies and mac-and-cheese.

Illustrated photo of me in Ina’s kitchen
Illustrated photo of me in Ina’s kitchen
Me and Ina — you know!

If Ina Garten were your best friend, she’d always ask you if the collar on her shirts were popped up properly. …


Can I explain?

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wuttttt

Hey

Are you awake?

Can I explain?

Here’s what we’re gonna do!

Marissa, don’t miss your chance

Marissa, we’ve got a new plan

Time is running out

I hope you’re sitting down for this (big announcement!!!)

Did you see my announcement?

Please… hear us out

We need to talk!

I won’t do these things, Marissa

Marissa, can we have five minutes?

My comments regarding the latest scandal

You have questions and I want to answer them

This is not a joke

I’m so serious about this

Tell me: what do YOU want?

Marissa, let me be clear

Let’s be friends

Can you give us $3?

Marissa Maciel has written for Daily Shouts on The New Yorker, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Belladonna Comedy, Points In Case, The Toast, and The Hairpin. Follow her @standardtuber and visit marissamaciel.com.


A “Straight Pride Parade” has been planned in Boston for August 31, 2019. “We filed a discrimination complaint and it appears the City of Boston understands they would lose in litigation.”

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The Parade of Wolves is intended to bring wolf culture into the spotlight and on to the village streets!

We never left the streets actually, since everyone leaves us alone all the time. The villagers accept our wolf ways, and we have come to co-exist by not feasting on their people, just other animals in the forest. Most of us know that it’s not acceptable to eat people anymore.

But some of us were feeling particularly sad, because it seemed like the villagers were having too much fun not worrying about the wolves all the time. …


He has such a hard-on for a wall, let’s give him one

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AgnosticPreachersKid [CC BY-SA 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], from Wikimedia Commons

One proposal circulating among some White House officials in an attempt to fend off legal challenges to an emergency declaration is to claim that the wall would be built to protect the more than 6,000 active-duty and National Guard troops now operating near the southwestern border or deploying there soon.

“The Wall will get built one way or the other!” Mr. Trump wrote on Twitter on Saturday afternoon. — New York Times, 2/11/2019

If Trump is so desperate to fulfill a campaign promise that no one really wants, let’s make a wall! A wall around the White House! …


Your loved ones are sad that they are not getting paid their money.

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December 22, 2018.

We have kidnapped your loved ones.

800,000 of them.

We are holding them hostage until you meet our demands.

We want a wall. A big wall. A real wall.

We believe that people are trying to invade us. Scared, victimized people.

Mostly just brown people.

A bunch of us are racist.

And now that we have control of a couple of branches of government we feel pretty good about just saying “no” to the constitution.

So.

Deal or no deal?

We will write again.

December 28, 2018

Is a happy New Year coming soon?

Your loved ones are sad that they are not getting paid their money. …


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It might be harder than you think!
  1. I love your smile, you should smile more!
  2. Your lipstick looks great!
  3. What’s your boyfriend up to, today?
  4. You need a jacket today, it’s too cold out for your little arms.
  5. I’m hungry; what did you eat this morning?
  6. Where’d you get those shoes?
  7. Why don’t you laugh more, what’s the matter?
  8. That color looks nice on you, you should make that your signature color.
  9. Stand up straight, stick your chest out.
  10. I read your horoscope today, could be a good one for you!
  11. I like that sweater, where’d you get it?
  12. What’s your work phone number, in case I need to get a hold of you? …

About

Marissa Maciel

Writer, Illustrator. You've seen me at @tnyshouts, @The_Belladonnas, @thetoast, @queenmobs, @mcsweeneys, marissamaciel.com

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